Strange Conversations
by Arda Silverlace
Summary: Brief conversations between Christine and Erik are overheard by Raoul. Funnily enough, he gets the wrong impression, what with all of the, ahem, innuendo. This fanfic is a complete parody, not to be taken seriously, purely for laughs.
1. Cookies!

Strange Conversation

A/N: I don't know why I'm, making this into a fanfic, but I had fun with it. I originally posted this on a Phantom of the Opera fan site message board, but I wanted to share it with you lot.

It's just a silly double-innuendo scene I made up. Erik and Christine are doing one thing, but it sounds like another. You'll see.

Rated 'T' for obvious reasons.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, or anything remotely Phantom related. Isn't that so sad?

* * *

Raoul was strolling about the Opera House, one bright morning, frequently getting lost in the corridors, but nevertheless having a jolly good time. He was sucking on his lolly, when he stopped outside Erik's bedroom, hearing a strange conversation.

Erik: Please, Christine? Please?

Christine: No! How many times must I tell you?

Erik: Please, love? I've done it before and things worked out just fine.

Christine: You were lucky that time. But you won't fit again, I'm telling you!

Erik: Sure, I will! Watch!

Christine: -groans- Now you've done it!

Erik: -smilingly- It's warm in here.

(Raoul, horrified, yet all the more curious, presses his ear against the door.)

Christine: Yes, well. Let's see you get it out.

Erik: But of course! I've got what I want, so off I go. -strains-

Christine: -worried- You're going to break it!

Erik: -irritated grunt- I can't get it out! I'm stuck!

(Raoul's face pales and he clutches at his chest.)

Christine: Don't be so rough!

Erik: Don't fret...I've almost got it.

Christine: No! You've got to let it go, and then you'll fit!

Erik: Don't tell me what to do! I can do it, just you wait. -loud grunt-

Christine: -screams- Now you've shattered it!

(Raoul faints dead away, his precious lolly falling to the floor and crashing into a million sharp pieces)

Erik: Oh. We'll get a new cookie jar. But behold! I've got my freshly baked cookie!

Christine: It was my grandma's! I told you your hand wouldn't fit!

Erik: -takes a bite out of cookie- Hmmm, delicious.

* * *

Did that make any sense? Well, anyway. Flames, laughs and constructive criticism are always welcome. 


	2. Lemonade, anyone?

Strange Conversations II

A/N: Oh, you lot are so nice! I hadn't expected any reviews for the first chapter, so it was a lovely surprise!

Here's the next installment. Credit goes to my sister, Alda Rethe, who was the supreme mastermind behind this one. Love ya, sis!

* * *

Raoul happily skips down the fifth cellar and stops, hearing the beginnings of a bizarre chat... 

Christine: Oh, come now Erik. Don't be such a baby.

Erik: But Christine! I've never done it before! What if--?

Christine: Nonsense, Erik. You won't hurt me. I've done it a million times.

Erik: -suspicious- A million?

Christine: Yes. It's child's play. Just follow my lead.

(Now curious, Raoul skips closer to the door, putting his ear against it)

Erik: All right, Christine. I trust you.

Christine: As you should. Now you hold that, while I hold this. And when I say, you press and squeeze and twist that into this. Ready, now do it!

(Raoul hears Erik grunt and Christine gasp happily)

Christine: -excited- Why, you're a natural, my dear!

Erik: -concerned- Is all that stuff supposed to be coming out?

Christine: Of course, that's the whole point! But to get results, you gotta work harder. Now press down harder, Erik! Harder!

Erik: I'm trying!

(Raoul feels quite sick)

Christine: OW. It went in my eye!

Erik: Oh, I'm so sorry, Christine. Are you all right?

Christine: It stings!

Erik: -sadly- I told you I'd hurt you!

(Raoul faints in sheer horror)

Christine: No, I'm fine. Really. Okay, that looks like enough. Are you ready to add the sugar? (puts down lemon juicer/squeezer thing)

Erik: Sure. (puts down lemons) We should make lemonade more often.

* * *

A/N: Didya like it? Review n' tell me what you think! If you lot have any suggestions or requests for the next one, that would be welcome!


	3. Fun With Candy!

Strange Conversations III

A/N: Okay, originally I wasn't going to create another installment of SC, but Erik's Secret Admirer emailed me with such a brilliant idea for one of these that I just had to update.

Which is a bit of a shame because I was trying ot keep my mind clean and out of the gutter...but oh well! Here you all go!

Enjoy :P

* * *

Raoul happily picks off pink cotton candy from a stick after a joyous visit to the annual festival. Nibbling contently, he meanders through the Opera House and hears whispers through a closed door. Recognizing Christine's voice and, oh my, the Phantom's, he leans anxiously closer... 

Erik: Come on, try it! Just this once?

Christine: I don't know...it looks uncomfortable. Why would anyone do that?

Erik: Looks can be deceiving, m'dear. It's actually quite nice once you get over the hardness of it.

Christine: Uh uh, no thanks. I don't like having foreign things in my mouth.

(Raoul frowns in confusion – he doesn't like having anything in his mouth except cotton candy! He feels for Christine.)

Erik: -indignantly- It's not foreign! It's sweet!

Christine: I don't care. It's too hard and I know I'll ruin my vocal chords if I try it.

Erik: You really don't trust me. I'm hurt. –pouts attractively and looks at Christine all wounded-like-

Christine:Fine. But if I choke and die, it'll be all your fault.

(Raoul's worried now.)

Erik: Great! Okay, so put this in your mouth and suck on it.

(Raoul's really worried now.)

Christine: -quite unimpressed- Nothing's happening.

Erik: -patiently- That's because you're not doing it correctly. You have to focus and concentrate on the sensation in your mouth…enjoy it, relish it, savor it!

Christine: -makes a face- It's pretty sour.

Erik: -exasperated- Christine….

Christine: Hm, what happens if I bite it?

Erik: -panicked- By all that's holy, DO NOT BITE IT!

(Raoul is terrified by the Phantom's sudden fierceness and passes out rather womanishly.)

Christine: Gosh, sorry. Why can't I bite it?

Erik: It's a jawbreaker, Christine. Jaw. Breaker. Think about it.

Christine: I still don't like it.

Erik: Fine, spit it out.

(There's a faint -_plop_- as Christine spits out the candy.)

Erik: Let's try something else, then.

Christine: How about candied apples? I've always liked them...

* * *

A/N: Tada! I hope you enjoyed, I know I had fun writing it. If you've any other recommendations, please review! 

Toodles!

Arda S.


	4. Masks? We don't need no stinkin' masks

Strange Conversations IV

A/N: Goodness, I just reread the previous chapter and I'm shocked! I'd forgotten how suggestive that last one was. Hm, this one's a bit tamer, but enjoy!

* * *

Raoul blithely prances around the backstage of the Opera Populaire, nibbling on a chocolate cigar, with the words 'It's A Boy!' on the sides of it (given to everyone by a proud mother ballerina. Go figure.). He paused in his tracks, hearing stifled voices coming from the floor, and kneels down pressing his ear against the dirty wooden floor.

Erik: What? No, Christine! How many times do I have to tell you? Don't touch me!

Raoul gasps, realizing Christine's down there, and his chocolate cigar falls from his mouth. He glares at it lying on the dusty ground, but shrugs, picks it up, brushes it off, and places it back in his mouth.

Christine: Oh, come on, Erik. Be a man!

Erik: I am a man. A very manly man. But I just don't feel comfortable without it.

Christine: If I can handle it, so can you.

Erik: No, you can't! It'll be worse than you remember, I know it!

Christine: Honestly, Erik, do you think I'm some sort of child? I can deal with it. Just take it off.

Erik: Nope, not here or anywhere else for that matter. Least of all here, where people might see. Maybe.

Christine: I like you without it on. Go on, take it off.

Erik: I will not.

Christine: Just do it!

Erik: No, thank you, dearest.

Christine: Eriiiik.

Raoul shudders. He never heard his once-love speak in such a threatening tone. He thinks Erik should give her some chocolate. Women love chocolate. Raoul would know.

Erik: -playing dumb- Yes, darling?

Christine: I'm warning you, if you don't take if off yourself, I will.

Erik: Only if you can catch me!

Christine: It's on!

Erik: Christine! Don't grab at it like that!

Raoul hears a commotion underneath him, and suddenly the floor lurches up, and he is flung backwards, hitting his head against a metal railing. He passes out, his chocolate cigar rolling sadly away from him. Unbeknownst to him, he was standing atop a hidden trap door…

Erik leaps out of the secret tunnel and looks over at the unconscious fop.

Erik: Curious.

Christine: -emerges from behind him and lunges- Ha! Got you!

Erik: No! Don't look at my face! Give me my mask back! Quickly! Before you see how ugly I am!

Christine: Don't be so sensitive, Erik. I love you and your deformed face.

Erik: Thanks.

Christine: Don't mention it.

* * *

A/N: Keep those reviews coming! Please. I seriously wouldn't update if I didn't get the occasional reminder. It's not because I necessarily need the motivation…I just forget otherwise. How lame is that:-P 


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